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We’re doing gratitude all wrong and it’s keeping us stuck.
This post is an excerpt from The Significance Project. If this resonates with you, I’d love for you to be part of the community.
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“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words but to live by them.”
John F. Kennedy
Maybe I missed the lesson on gratitude—or maybe there wasn’t one. Growing up, there was always a rule: gather, be grateful, and then return to the same patterns as before. No deeper reflection. No hard conversations. No real change. Just an annual ritual of thanks followed by inertia.
Perhaps that’s where it loses me.
As someone who has spent years observing how people make sense of the world, I’ve noticed a recurring theme: gratitude often feels hollow. It’s not that people aren’t grateful—it’s that the practice is disconnected from anything substantive.
We sit around the table saying, “I’m grateful for my family,” while avoiding the fractures in those relationships.
We declare, “I’m grateful for my health,” yet neglect the habits that sustain it.
We claim gratitude for our work but turn a blind eye to inefficiencies, toxic dynamics, or systemic challenges that hold us back from its fullest potential.
This kind of gratitude feels performative—a glossy surface over truths we’re unwilling to face.
And maybe that’s why this time of year feels so unnerving to me.
I don’t lack gratitude; I reject what I call “fluffy gratitude.” I love the very definition of gratitude: “a strong appreciation for. I am deeply grateful for the air I breathe, the mind I’ve been given, and the perspectives I can see.
And, for me, gratitude isn’t passive. It’s active. It’s tied to effort, to the sweat and intention of building a life I am proud of. A life that feels good and does good. It’s a gratitude grounded in substance and significance – or what I call “significant gratitude” – and significant gratitude is the exact opposite of the fluffy gratitude that keeps us stuck in an unsatisfactory status quo instead of reaching for all that’s possible.
Significant gratitude—the kind that leads to growth, connection, and impact—isn’t a seasonal ritual; it’s a daily practice of acknowledgment and action.
It’s not enough to say, “I’m grateful for my health.” Significant gratitude asks: What are you doing to take care of all of you?
It’s not enough to say, “I’m grateful for my family.” Significant gratitude asks: How are you showing up for them, especially when it’s hard?
It’s not enough to say, “I’m grateful for my work.” Significant gratitude asks: Are you willing to address the challenges that hold your work back?
The relationships I have with my family and friends didn’t just happen. I sought the gaps, created the spaces, and brought in the experts to have the big, sometimes raw conversations. I invested in making repairs and new agreements a priority.
The work I do wasn’t handed to me. I trained like a warrior—always learning, practicing, and refining my craft.
The clarity I have about who I am and why I’m here wasn’t luck. It came from stripping away outdated beliefs, confronting self-sabotage, and refusing to settle for a life that felt flat and uninspired.
For me, gratitude isn’t a list of blessings that fell into my lap. It’s a recognition of what I’ve built and what I continue to fight for.
So when I look around the table, I don’t just feel grateful for my family or my work—I feel grateful for the choices I’ve made to cultivate a life of significance.
This is the missing piece. Gratitude isn’t about gathering once a year to say “thank you” and then returning to old habits. It’s about aligning your actions with what truly matters, every day.
Yes, I am profoundly grateful—but not just for what I have. I’m grateful for the person I’ve become. This is gratitude worth practicing. Gratitude that feels real, earned, and significant.
Final note – This is the work I do with my ambitious, big-thinking, deep-feeling clients. Through high-proximity 1:1 coaching and thought partnership, I help them stop feeling discontent despite their extraordinary success and disconnected from the people who matter most. Together, we design lives that feel unburdened, joyful, and purposeful—lives of significance.
This reflection comes from The Significance Project. If it resonates, you can receive essays like this straight to your inbox by subscribing here.

Jen Karofsky | Thought Partner & Coach for Visionary Leaders & Significance Seekers
Jen Karofsky collaborates with leaders who are ready to disrupt the status quo and craft a life of legacy, deep connection, and purposeful impact. Through intentional coaching and bold thought partnership, Jen Karofsky helps you align your work, your values, and your vision to create transformational change in your world.
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