For When you Feel Unfulfilled even Though You Seem to Be At The Peak of Success

For When you Feel Unfulfilled even Though You Seem to Be At The Peak of Success

by | Nov 14, 2024 | Identity Shifts, Innovation, Inspiration, Practice Leadership

This post is an excerpt from The Significance Project. If this resonates with you, I’d love for you to be part of the community.

You can sign up here.

Title Banner - The Significance Dilemma

When Success Feels Hollow: A Common Challenge for Leaders

If you’re feeling bored, uninspired, or disconnected, you’re not alone. Despite their accomplishments, many high-level, highly knowledgeable leaders grapple with overwhelm, exhaustion, and an undercurrent of dissatisfaction – the very opposite of the life of significance they’re craving. If this is you, you might notice you’re avoiding new ideas, resisting collaboration, or feeling disconnected from the work and people that once sparked joy.

It’s going to sound paradoxical or maybe even counterintuitive, because everything in our culture of success trains us to reach for certainty so we can make smart and impactful decisions, but your certainty about what you know is actually the reason you’re not satisfied with anything right now.

Here’s what happens when you’re rock-solid certain about something (or, worse, when you’re certain about almost everything): you stop listening. You stop engaging. You stop taking in new information and you stop picking up the signals.

And without new information, epiphany, the thrill of learning, and just plain novelty, life gets very gray, very fast.

That’s why when my highly-accomplished leaders tell me they’re bored, restless and not feeling fulfilled in their lives, I know certainty is in the room.

The need for certainty can become a mental cage, one that limits engagement, kills collaboration, and squashes curiosity. When we’re locked in certainty, people around us may feel they can’t reach us or that we’re unreceptive (because we are!), which can ultimately lead to a breakdown in relationships—the one thing we truly desire to keep strong and fully feel our lives.

No connection, no spark. At work or at home.

Here are a few examples of how certainty might be showing up and holding you back:

The Leader Who Won’t Delegate

You’re overwhelmed with every detail, utterly certain about how it should be done and convinced that no one else can do it right. This mindset keeps you overworking (may as well do it yourself…); your team underperforming; and all you locked in a vicious spin cycle that prevents both your own and your team’s growth.

The Visionary Who Theoretically Values Collaboration but Avoids It Like the Plague

In your head, you’re dreaming of the dream team and the creative exhilaration that comes from collaborating with people at the top of their games. But in reality, you default to working solo so that you get to do everything your way (because again, you’re certain about how it needs to be done); don’t have to moderate your plans or process to accommodate anyone else’s perspective; and honestly, you need to feel like you’re the certain center of everything at work (feeling feeling sidelined or irrelevant is your personal kryptonite). As a result, you never get to that impactful place where everyone’s working in synergy and magic happens. Instead of experiencing the exhilaration of collaborative creation, you end up resenting everyone around you and fail to cultivate the empowered, collaborative team of your professional dreams.

The Partner Craving Connection but Stuck in Habit

You want to connect more deeply with loved ones, so you invite them to do things you’re certain will create that feeling…even if they would rather do anything but that activity. An example: you love hiking and feel deeply connected to nature, so you’re certain that if your partner went hiking with you, the two of you would have a transformative experience that would bring you closer together. You suggest it to them, but they hate hiking and resist, but you’re so certain it’s the thing that will make a difference in your relationship that you relentlessly persist. And now you’re in a fight and feeling further apart than ever. Your certainty is actually blocking the opportunities to connect and intimacy you crave.

Your  Indicator Light – How Certainty Feels

Lots of colds, maybe even a few injuries (how’s that knee doing?). A bit more bossy or a bit more distant with your team. A little shorter with your kids. Avoiding meetings. Taking way too many meetings. Taking offense. Ruminating when you should be sleeping. Putting your head down and just doing the job. Being so preoccupied with everything else that your job feels impossible or insignificant. Demanding the impossible from your spouse, right now.

When certainty takes over, it doesn’t just affect your actions; it seeps into your emotions, thoughts, body and behaviors. So when you’re seeing these patterns, they’re warning lights that you’re locked in certainty and locking yourself out of the personal and professional vibrancy you’re craving.

Curiosity-The Antidote to Certainty

To break free from certainty, you must cultivate the skill of curiosity—your willingness to see things differently, to embrace possibilities, and to listen to perspectives you might not expect. Curiosity invites you to step out of the confines of “knowing” and into the boundless world of “exploring.”

Leaning into curiosity requires that you learn how to pattern-interrupt, and this is where a bit of inspiration from Mr. Rogers can help.

The Mr. Rogers Exercise

If you remember Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, you’ll recall that Mr. Rogers would start each episode by coming into our homes, changing his shoes, and putting on his cardigan, signaling a shift from the everyday world to the Land of Make-Believe. Here, he’d interact with a world of curiosity, imagination, and possibility.

As a leader, you can create your own rituals to signal a similar shift, stepping out of certainty and into a mindset of openness and discovery:

  1. Change Your Environment: Whether it’s putting on a different sweater, going to a new space, or simply adjusting your workspace, choose a physical act that symbolizes stepping into a fresh mental space.
  2. Embrace the Land of Make-Believe: Imagine you’re entering a world where anything is possible. Visualize challenges as opportunities, and let go of the need to control the outcome. Ask yourself, What might be possible here if I approach it with curiosity?
  3. Invite Others Into This Space: Once you’re in this open mindset, reach out to someone who sees things differently. Start a conversation that’s focused on exploring new ideas, asking big questions, and creating fresh possibilities.
  4. Ask Questions and Co-Design: Having all the answers is the death of curiosity, so you have to be willing to not have all the answers, all the time, and that means asking questions. In our earlier example, you heard about the hiker who wants to connect with their partner, who wants NOT to hike but probably also wants to connect. If our hiker had voiced that desire and leaned into curiosity, they would have asked their partner how they could make more connection and intimacy happen, and they probably would have been snuggling on the sofa or drinking wine by the beach right now. When you ask questions, you start co-designed experiences and that is what lands you in the joy that makes life a delight.

Using these specific practices to lean into curiosity helps you escape the death-grip of certainty that dulls your life and makes you restless. Curiosity rather than certainty is what reawakens the innovative, collaborative spirit that fosters meaning, drives true impact, and fuels your life of significance.

Curious on diving deeper? Join The Significance Project!

Jen Karofsky | Thought Partner & Coach for Visionary Leaders & Significance Seekers

 Jen Karofsky collaborates with leaders who are ready to disrupt the status quo and craft a life of legacy, deep connection, and purposeful impact. Through intentional coaching and bold thought partnership, Jen Karofsky helps you align your work, your values, and your vision to create transformational change in your world.

Join The Significance Project to redefine success and step into your power.

Join

The Significance Project

My monthly(ish) newsletter for the tools, tips and provocations you need to live your life of significance.

More on the BLG:

I AM HERE FOR THE GRAPPLERS

by | , ,

Explore the unique challenges and triumphs of ambitious leaders who embrace both personal and professional growth. Learn how “The Significance Project” helps leaders transform all aspects of their lives, not just their careers. Dive into our insights on holistic growth and discover how you can become a grappler, a warrior in your own life journey.

read more

Feeling the Wobble: Rising Strong in a Shifting World

by | , , , ,

Feeling the wobble in today’s uncertain world? Discover how to rise strong, ground yourself, and build resilience in the face of instability. Explore how intentional inner work can transform reactivity into clarity and lead to a life of purpose, impact, and significance. Read more and start your journey toward steadiness and lasting impact.

read more

Leadership with Substance: Why Being “Wishy-Washy” Won’t Work

Leadership with Substance: Why Being “Wishy-Washy” Won’t Work

by | Oct 16, 2024 | Innovation, Inspiration, Practice Leadership

This post is an excerpt from The Significance Project. If this resonates with you, I’d love for you to be part of the community.

You can sign up here.

Title Banner - The Significance Dilemma

In today’s world, leadership of substance is more crucial than ever. But what we are seeing in businesses, universities, religious institutions, and government bodies is alarming: leadership that caves to the loudest voice rather than standing firm on a robust belief system. Leaders are bending to every gust of public opinion, and frankly, I’m thinking, What the f*ck are you doing?

The Risks and Rewards of Standing Firm

Too often, these leaders buckle under pressure from the noisiest group, making disastrous decisions that impact people’s lives in intimate ways. I see leaders walking back their choices, attempting to please both sides of an argument, thinking they can maintain power by keeping everyone happy. They chase after the status of leadership rather than living its substance. This is morally weak leadership. When you are obsessed with the position, but not the values that should anchor that role, your leadership becomes diluted, irrelevant.

There are leaders today who are not rooted in any meaningful belief system, which makes them dangerously susceptible to the whims of popularity. Wishy-washy leadership is dangerous—whether in the public eye, in your relationships, or in your business. It lacks conviction. We are witnessing this all around us, and it’s eroding not only our institutions but our trust in leadership itself. 

There is  a saying: “You can always tell a leader by the arrows in his back.” These arrows are the scars of standing firm in one’s beliefs, even when facing resistance. True leadership isn’t defined by popularity or approval—it’s marked by the willingness to face adversity, criticism, and even hostility in the pursuit of what’s right. Leaders who stand for something substantial inevitably become targets, but that’s exactly what distinguishes them from the rest.

Here’s the thing: When leaders focus solely on securing their position and maintaining their power, they are no longer impressive. Real leadership is about something deeper, something morally-founded. Something significant.

I’ve observed this deterioration for some time, and it fuels my dedication to the work I do. What drives me is the opportunity to collaborate with people who have a strong moral compass and a genuine desire to lead in a way that makes a meaningful impact—both personally and professionally. We need this kind of leadership now more than ever, not for recognition, but to create lasting, positive change in the world.

This is not a challenge for the faint of heart. And it isn’t just for those in formal leadership roles. This is a call to leaders who want to be a force for good and create significant, positive change in the world. The world doesn’t need more figureheads, more “leaders” obsessed with looking the part. The world needs principled individuals who desire to lead more than they desire the title.

Any leader learns along the way how to manage conflicting personalities and competing priorities. It’s part of the game. The trick is to make sure the game isn’t playing you. A diplomatic stance can be essential and it will serve you well; but only if it doesn’t take priority over your moral compass and is, in fact, guided by your moral stance. If you feel the burning inside you or a sense of dissatisfaction, or frustration because you’re not saying what needs to be said, it might be time to re-anchor into what matters to you and your vision. Stop biting your tongue and watering down your decisions. Choose to be a leader of substance, instead.

The Hero’s Journey: A Path of Moral Integrity

There’s a moment on the Hero’s Journey when the hero must make a choice—do they stay true to their calling, even if it means walking a lonely path, or do they let the glittering promises of success seduce them off-course? The dragons and villains in our world are pulling leaders off their moral foundation with the allure of status and recognition. When this happens, purpose grows distant. You no longer make the impact you were meant to make because you’ve traded your values for a seat at the table. You abandon yourself and your vision.

But here’s the truth: real significance in leadership isn’t about being liked or about checking boxes. It’s about conviction. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr wasn’t popular with most of America and even other church leaders in his time, but he was steadfast. He wasn’t wishy-washy. He wasn’t a people-pleaser. He stood firm, even when it was lonely, and that is why he was able to move mountains and create a legacy. 

Many leaders today confuse “aloneness” with loneliness. Standing firm in your beliefs might make you feel isolated, but that’s different from loneliness. It’s the solitude of significance, the place where only a few can stand because they have chosen the morally right, rather than the popular, path. I know it is risky to take a stance – Dr. King certainly paid the ultimate price for it – but most of us aren’t risking life and death when we take an unpopular but necessary stance. The stakes might be high, but they’re not that high (even when it feels like it.)

I’ve had to make hard choices myself, to disrupt relationships and my work in order to stay true to my moral foundation. I had to break the patterns that kept me playing small, because I realized I didn’t want to live in a beige, bland reality. Yes, it seemed easier to live that way, but, for me, it felt meaningless.

As Lin-Manuel Miranda sings in Hamilton: “If you stand for nothing, Burr, what will you fall for?” We have become a society of leaders who fall for everything because they stand for nothing. Leadership today feels like a popularity contest, with leaders more concerned about social media standings than moral standing. But true leadership requires the courage to follow your moral compass, to not be wooed by the fleeting temptations of status and recognition.

 

Finding the Courage to Lead with Integrity

To lead from a place of moral integrity is to know that you will never satisfy everyone. Real integrity is not about being the whole thing for everyone; it’s about being that sharp slice of truth that people can rely on. When you abandon yourself, your leadership is hollow, and when you get to the end of your life, it won’t feel the way you wanted it to.

We are in a time where leadership has become a popularity contest. It’s about shiny things and status and social media standings. But true leadership requires the courage to stand firm in your beliefs, to not be wooed away from your moral compass by the temptations of success.

You can’t stand for your work, your family, or your community if you don’t first stand for yourself. Leadership is about more than popularity—it’s about principles, moral courage, and a True North that guides every decision. Leadership of significance is bold, truthful, and colorful—it’s not watered down to suit everyone’s tastes.

So I’m asking you: Will you stand for your values? Or will you, like so many others, fall for the allure of fleeting success? Because if you don’t stand for something, the world will pull you off course, and in the end, you’ll have nothing of substance to offer.

The world is on fire right now, and it needs you—leaders with integrity, conviction, and a robust belief system. We don’t need more leaders seeking status. We need leaders of substance, leaders who will leave a legacy that actually matters.

“No leader escapes their career unscathed, or perpetually beloved.” But in the end, it’s the leaders with the arrows in their backs who are the ones remembered for making a true difference.

Will you be one of them?

 Reach out if you are ready to lead with substance.

Jen Karofsky | Thought Partner & Coach for Visionary Leaders & Significance Seekers

 Jen Karofsky collaborates with leaders who are ready to disrupt the status quo and craft a life of legacy, deep connection, and purposeful impact. Through intentional coaching and bold thought partnership, Jen Karofsky helps you align your work, your values, and your vision to create transformational change in your world.

Join The Significance Project to redefine success and step into your power.

Join

The Significance Project

My monthly(ish) newsletter for the tools, tips and provocations you need to live your life of significance.

More on the BLG:

I AM HERE FOR THE GRAPPLERS

by | , ,

Explore the unique challenges and triumphs of ambitious leaders who embrace both personal and professional growth. Learn how “The Significance Project” helps leaders transform all aspects of their lives, not just their careers. Dive into our insights on holistic growth and discover how you can become a grappler, a warrior in your own life journey.

read more

Feeling the Wobble: Rising Strong in a Shifting World

by | , , , ,

Feeling the wobble in today’s uncertain world? Discover how to rise strong, ground yourself, and build resilience in the face of instability. Explore how intentional inner work can transform reactivity into clarity and lead to a life of purpose, impact, and significance. Read more and start your journey toward steadiness and lasting impact.

read more

The Art of Suffering: How Successful People Master Pain Until They Transcend It

The Art of Suffering: How Successful People Master Pain Until They Transcend It

by | Aug 22, 2024 | Identity Shifts, Inspiration, Practice Leadership

This post is an excerpt from The Significance Project. If this resonates with you, I’d love for you to be part of the community.

You can sign up here.

Title Banner - The Significance Dilemma

Success and leadership often seem glamorous, marked by impressive accomplishments and accolades. But behind the scenes, the people we admire often endure significant challenges and hardships. Many of us have been led to believe that suffering is a key ingredient of success—an idea perpetuated by countless business books and motivational stories. However, the truth is that suffering isn’t a prerequisite for achieving greatness. In fact, it might even undermine your potential.

 

The Fallacy of Suffering Equals Success

It’s a familiar narrative: success requires suffering. We see it in the stories of high achievers who push beyond their limits, often to the point of exhaustion. This valorization of suffering leads us to believe that enduring hardship is not only necessary but a sign of dedication. Our success-driven society often celebrates these suffering success stories, treating them like a recipe for achievement.

But here’s the reality check: the idea that suffering equals success is a myth. While it’s true that achieving something meaningful can be challenging, difficulty doesn’t have to translate into suffering. Suffering involves enduring something we don’t choose, whereas resilience and determination are about choosing to face challenges without unnecessary pain.

 

The Stallion Story: A Lesson in Non-Suffering

To illustrate this concept, consider the Taoist parable of the farmer and his stallion. One day, the farmer’s stallion runs away, prompting his neighbors to express their sympathy, saying, “What bad luck!” The farmer responds with, “Maybe so, maybe not.”

Later, the stallion returns with a herd of wild horses, and the neighbors congratulate the farmer on his good fortune. Again, the farmer replies, “Maybe so, maybe not.” The farmer’s son is injured while taming one of the wild horses, leading to more sympathy from the neighbors. The farmer’s response remains unchanged.

Eventually, the son’s injury turns out to be a blessing in disguise when the army drafts all able-bodied young men, but not him due to his injury.

This story underscores the idea that we can’t always predict the outcome of events. Suffering isn’t necessarily a prerequisite for success, and embracing this perspective can free us from the belief that enduring hardship is a necessary part of the journey.

 

Everyday Examples of Suffering and Success

Let’s explore some common ways that the belief in suffering manifests in our daily lives:

Overworking: You might find yourself working late into the night, thinking that more effort equates to better performance. But when you’re tired, your cognitive abilities are impaired, leading to decreased productivity.

Under-relating: At home, you may be disconnected from loved ones, focusing more on work than on meaningful relationships. This disconnection can erode the authentic connections you seek and damage your personal life.

Bossing: In the workplace, you may micromanage your team because you don’t fully trust them. This can lead to chaos rather than success, as it undermines collaboration and efficiency.

Buffering: You might cope with stress through unhealthy habits, like binge-watching TV or excessive dieting, which can undermine your overall well-being and productivity.

Beating Yourself Up: Many leaders struggle with self-criticism and imposter syndrome. Constantly doubting yourself and striving for perfection can drain your energy and hinder your creativity.

 

The Cost of Embracing Suffering

Believing that suffering is essential for success can have detrimental effects. It often leads to self-sabotaging behaviors that prevent you from achieving your goals and living a balanced life. By equating suffering with success, you may end up overworking, micromanaging, and engaging in negative self-talk, which undermines your potential.

Un-Mastering Suffering

To move towards a Life of Significance, it’s crucial to un-master suffering. Instead of enduring unnecessary pain, view suffering as a clue indicating outdated habits or beliefs. This perspective shift allows you to focus on shape-shifting and transformation, rather than resigning yourself to suffering as a precondition for success.

 

Let’s Start with One Practical Step: Noticing the Suffering

To begin un-mastering suffering you must identify when you are suffering. Here are four ways to begin (yes…I know …I said one step…this is one step…four ways…one step…I know you can get this!)

Pause and Reflect

Take a moment each day to reflect on your experiences and feelings. Ask yourself where you might be experiencing unnecessary discomfort or distress. Are there areas in your work or personal life where you feel a persistent sense of struggle?

Tune Into Your Body

Pay attention to physical sensations. Suffering often manifests in the body—tight shoulders, clenched jaws, or a heavy chest. Notice where you’re holding tension or discomfort. This physical awareness can provide valuable insights into your emotional state.

Define the Suffering

Once you identify where and how suffering is affecting you, try to define it. What specific aspects are causing you pain or distress? Is it related to overworking, under-relating, or negative self-talk? Understanding the nature of your suffering is the first step toward addressing it.

Acknowledge Your Feelings 

Allow yourself to fully experience and acknowledge these sensations without judgment. By recognizing and feeling the suffering, you create space for change and transformation.

 

What This All Means

The idea that success requires suffering is a myth. Embracing this truth can liberate you from the notion that enduring hardship is essential for achievement. By un-mastering the art of suffering, you open yourself up to a life of greater impact, fulfillment, and joy.

If you’re ready to explore this work further and transform your relationship with suffering, consider my 1:1 coaching or council work in The Society. Together, we’ll uncover deeper insights and strategies to help you un-master suffering and achieve a life of greater impact and fulfillment.

Contact me today to learn more about how we can work together to create meaningful change in your life.

Join our community of changemakers and start your journey towards a Life of Significance today.

Jen Karofsky | Thought Partner & Coach for Visionary Leaders & Significance Seekers

 Jen Karofsky collaborates with leaders who are ready to disrupt the status quo and craft a life of legacy, deep connection, and purposeful impact. Through intentional coaching and bold thought partnership, Jen Karofsky helps you align your work, your values, and your vision to create transformational change in your world.

Join The Significance Project to redefine success and step into your power.

Join

The Significance Project

My monthly(ish) newsletter for the tools, tips and provocations you need to live your life of significance.

More on the BLG:

I AM HERE FOR THE GRAPPLERS

by | , ,

Explore the unique challenges and triumphs of ambitious leaders who embrace both personal and professional growth. Learn how “The Significance Project” helps leaders transform all aspects of their lives, not just their careers. Dive into our insights on holistic growth and discover how you can become a grappler, a warrior in your own life journey.

read more

Feeling the Wobble: Rising Strong in a Shifting World

by | , , , ,

Feeling the wobble in today’s uncertain world? Discover how to rise strong, ground yourself, and build resilience in the face of instability. Explore how intentional inner work can transform reactivity into clarity and lead to a life of purpose, impact, and significance. Read more and start your journey toward steadiness and lasting impact.

read more